What we witnessed today was less of a football match and more of a public execution on grass. FunTeam arrived with a hunger that bordered on predatory, while Empire seemingly arrived to practice their invisibility cloaks. With zero shots—cadrés or otherwise—Empire spent the afternoon watching the ball fly past them like they were extras in a low-budget movie. By the time the final whistle blew at 5-0, the only thing Empire had managed to accomplish was collecting a yellow card and looking utterly bewildered by the concept of possession. ⚽

The carnage began early with a goal in the 9th minute, setting the tone for a afternoon where FunTeam treated the opposition goal like a target practice range. Even when FunTeam decided to make things "interesting" by picking up a yellow card in the 14th minute and eventually a red card in the 77th, it didn’t matter. They were playing with nine men for the final stretch and still managed to slot home another goal in the 85th minute. It is truly a special kind of failure when your opponent is down a player and you still concede more goals than you have shot attempts.

The highlight of this comedy of errors was the penalty in the 66th minute, which served as the final nail in the coffin for Empire. While FunTeam dominated the stats with six shots on target and a flurry of offensive pressure, Empire looked like they were participating in a peaceful stroll through the park rather than a competitive championship match. If Empire doesn't invest in some actual training—or perhaps a new sport entirely—they might want to consider just mailing their jerseys to the league office next time to save everyone the commute. Absolute domination! 🤡