What we witnessed on the pitch today was less of a football match and more of a charity exhibition where Team Retro/91 kindly allowed LENS to practice their target shooting for ninety minutes. It took exactly two minutes for Team Retro/91 to set the tone, collecting a yellow card and a foul, proving that while they couldn't manage a single shot on target—or even off target—they were at least committed to the fine art of hacking at ankles. It was a tactical masterpiece of doing absolutely nothing, effectively turning the stadium into a training ground for their opponents. 🤡

LENS, on the other hand, treated this encounter like a leisurely Sunday stroll through the park, punctuated only by the occasional need to put the ball in the net. After the early chaos, they opened the floodgates in the 26th minute, followed swiftly by a second goal in the 32nd minute. By the time they netted their third in the 49th minute, the players from LENS were likely checking their watches to see if they could make it to dinner reservations on time, despite missing a flurry of chances that would have made the scoreline truly embarrassing.

The final 0-3 scoreline is actually generous to Team Retro/91, whose only contribution to the stats sheet was a collection of six fouls and a total lack of offensive ambition. While LENS peppered the goal with eleven shots, Team Retro/91 seemed to be playing a secret game of "avoid the ball at all costs." If the goal of the game was to remain completely anonymous and invisible, then Team Retro/91 deserves a trophy. For everyone else, it was just a long, quiet afternoon of watching a team completely lose their way. ⚽